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Analysts say the craziest things

The Macalope | April 14, 2014
It is not true that becoming a Wall Street analyst drives you insane. Most of them were insane long before they graduated from college, got a house in Greenwich, CT, and went to work writing ridiculous stuff about Apple.

Because Apple always offers a dizzying array of device optioooooooonswhat?

As such, the most expensive model in the lineup will carry a price tag of several thousand dollars, as much as a luxury brand mechanical watch.

iWatch: the Xserve of watches. Yeah, that'll sell well.

Does this make any sense? A multi-thousand-dollar fancy-pants watch is the next big revenue engine for a company whose shtick is making mass-market consumer devices aimed at pleasing the most people possible?

No, it does not. So what do pundits do? Why, run with it, of course.

Premature speculation
Over at The Motley Fool, Jamal Carnette declares:

"$1,000 iWatch? You Can't Be Serious, Apple" (no link because there is no way Carnette can be serious about this crap, but tip o' the antlers to Tangent Worlds).

Is it customary in financial circles to ask people if they're serious about things they haven't actually said? Is that a thing?

Recently, KGI Securities analyst and in-the-know Apple source Ming Chi Kuo sent Apple fans into hysteria with the announcement of the long-awaited smartwatch.

Analysts are magical creatures that can "announce" products that don't exist by just pulling things out of their butts.

Many analysts were scratching their heads wondering how Apple plans to sell smartwatches at $1,000. In short, many fear Apple is pricing itself out of a lucrative and undefined market.

With an imaginary product offered at fictionally high prices!

Is Apple too worried about margins?

Oh, yeah, that must be it. The dopes at Apple—you know, dopes like Tim Cook, those kinds of dopes—think they can magically improve margins by just selling stuff at exorbitant prices. That sounds plausible. Now you're making sense.

Looking at Apple's gross margins over the last few years tells a not-too compelling story for the tech behemoth.

Carnette then provides a chart featuring Apple's huge plummet in margin from 47 percent to 38 percent ... a chart that happens to have the bottom of the vertical axis cut off at 36 percent. You know, to make it look super dramatic.

Somewhere a single tear fell down Edward Tufte's face, though he did not know why.

... this exciting new announcement/product from Apple ...

[looks around for announcement/product from Apple, does not find, falls out of chair onto floor, lays there like a beached whale, questions bad life choices that led to reading this article, sobs quietly to self]

... appears to be a repeat of the iPhone 5c.

The iPhone 5c: The "c" stands for "failure!"

On the surface, these two launches appear to have nothing in common.

Inasmuch as one of them is an actual launch and the other is a piece of fiction, yes, that would tend to differentiate them.


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