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BLOG: If William Shakespeare wrote an Apple rumor blog

John Cox | Jan. 6, 2012
Let's face it: The state of iPhone and iPad rumors is parlous, petty and paltry, where bad writing and punditry drives out the good.

For who would bear the whips and scorns of malware, th' oppressor's wrong code, the proud fanboy's contumely, the pangs of despised love, the iPhone V's delay, the insolence of Apple, and the spurns the patient user of th' unworthy vendors takes, when he himself might his quietus make with a bare credit card?

Who would open source bear, to grunt and sweat under a weary life of jailbreaks and mods, but that the dread of something after iOS, some undiscovered mobile platform, from whose bourn no consumer returns, puzzles the will, and makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others that we know not of?

Thus conscience does make smartphone cowards of us all ...

iPhone IV-S is a great phone!

by henryv Oct. 4, 2011 "Henry V," Act 4, Scene 3

"O that we now had here, but one true iPhone V and not yon withered bull's pizzle of iPhone IV-S."

What's he that wishes so?

God's will! I pray thee, wish not one iPhone more!

By Jove, I am not covetous for gold plated phones nor care I who doth feed upon my Wi-Fi. Such outward things dwell not in my desires. But if it be a sin to covet iPhone IV-S, I am the most offending soul alive.

No, faith, my coz, wish not another phone from Cupertino. O, do not wish one more!

Rather proclaim it, my cousin, through the host of users: that he which hath no stomach to this phone, let him depart to Android; his passport shall be made and crowns for convoy put into his purse.

This day is called the feast of Crispus.

He that buys this day, and comes safe home, will stand a tip-toe when the day is named, and rouse him at the name of Crispus. He that shall live this day, and buy the Phone IV-S, will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbors, and say "To-morrow is Saint Crispus."

Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot. But he'll remember with advantages what feats he did that day with iPhone IV-S and the Siri Voice Assistant. And Crispus shall ne'er go by, from this day to the ending of the world, but we in it shall be remember'd. We few, we happy few, we band of iPhone IV-S brothers.

For he to-day that swipes his credit card with me, shall be my brother. Be he ne'er so vile, this day shall gentle his condition. And gentlemen everywhere now a-bed with Android shall think themselves accursed they were not here, and hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks that bought with us upon Saint Crispus day!

 

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