Pie-in-the-sky wish: I’ll repeat my same pie-in-the-sky wish from last year: a HyperCard-like development system for iOS from Apple.
John Moltz, editor in chief, Crazy Apple Rumors
Last year’s score: Mac OS X, 1.0; iOS, 0; hardware, 0; pie, 0.5. Total = 1.5/4.0
Mac OS X: Tired of languishing in iOS’s shadow, Mac OS X will rebel by getting a tattoo against Tim Cook’s expressed wishes—possibly a tribal arm band or a something edgy to show its own OS, like THUG LIFE. A furious Cook will threaten to revoke OS X’s car privileges and the whole thing will blow up at WWDC where OS X will storm off the stage, leaving Cook standing there with iOS (which the Mac OS will claim is his favorite anyway so what difference does it make? God, NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!).
iOS: Having given iOS a major upgrade to its notification system in 2011, Apple will implement an even more startling upgrade in 2012: pre-notifications. Using patented time-displacement technology, Apple will deliver pre-notifications for events that will be happening to you shortly, such as “Your brother will call you in 15 minutes”, “The milk in your refrigerator will go bad at 3:15 PM” and “Hear that clock tower chiming midnight? You’ll be dead by the time the bells stop. Make peace with whatever god(s) you worship”. Google will attempt to copy the feature by using the open-source “Magic 8-Ball” system.
Hardware: Sexbots. I’ve long said that only Apple can deliver the kind of product quality and smooth user experience that will make this currently niche product category really take off, and I believe 2012 will be the year Apple makes it happen. (Well, belief and hope are often so mixed up that it’s hard to tell them apart. But why not 2013? Seriously, why not, Apple? Because if there’s some barrier you need our help overcoming, we’re all ears.)
Pie-in-the-sky wish: That’s it exactly. Pie…in the sky. Apple will launch a series of satellites to create an orbital pie-delivery system, eradicating world hunger by delivering fruit-filled goodness anywhere in the world. This will also set the company up for 2013 when it will deliver a shiny aluminum solution for obesity.
Andy Ihnatko, tech columnist, Chicago Sun-Times
Last year’s score: NA
Mac OS X: I predict a rollback of sorts on iCloud. Remember when Steve Jobs stood on stage and smiled sheepishly and admitted that the first-generation Apple TV was a dud? It won’t be as heavy as that. But there will be some movement that most people will interpret as an acknowledgment that iCloud wasn’t quite ready to go in 2011…and would everybody please treat iCloud in 2012 as if it were a brand-new thing, please?
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