SAN FRANCISCO, 9 JUNE 2008 - In case you've been living in a cave, today marks the first day of the Apple Worldwide Developer's Conference and Steve Jobs' keynote, which Apple watchers have declared will be the venue where Jobs unveils iPhone 2.0 -- a 3G broadband, GPS-enabled model of the Jesus Phone -- along with some groovy third-party iPhone apps. And if he doesn't, well, we'll hear the caterwauling of Apple fanboys from Cupertino to Khartoum. I don't think I could take it. So let's hope that happens.
Rather than speculate what the announcement will or won't contain, however, I'd like to explode some common myths about Steve Jobs.
Myth #1: Steve Jobs walks on water. This is obviously not true. Jobs is just as subject to the forces of fluid dynamics as mere mortals. However, he can water ski without a boat, propelled by his own innate charisma.
Myth #2: Steve Jobs only owns one outfit. This is also not true, though if Jobs doesn't show up today in his trademark black turtleneck and jeans, I'll eat my fedora. (I keep a special licorice one for just such occasions.) What most people don't realize, however, is that the alleged black turtleneck is no turtleneck at all -- it's an extremely intricate tattoo. So when Steve appears on stage today, he will as always be shirtless.
Myth #3: Steve Jobs hates Bill Gates. It's true there's no love lost between the two tech legends. They don't go bowling together much. Yet Jobs realizes that he needs Gates, much as Batman needed The Penguin. Without Gates, Jobs might come off as, well, a bit of a nerd. But when Gates is in the room everybody else looks cool.
Myth #4. Steve Jobs' first words were "one more thing." It was years before Jobs uttered that immortal phrase. However, as he popped out of his mother's womb Jobs did offer a blistering critique of the OBGYN's birthing techniques.
Myth #5. There is no fake Steve Jobs. They laugh alike, they talk alike, sometimes they even walk alike, but the Real Steve Jobs (RSJ) and the Fake Steve Jobs (FSJ) are two separate entities. What most people don't realize is that the FSJ is an exact clone, created from RSJ's stem cells by Apple's board back when Steve had that cancer scare. He's been waiting in the wings for his chance to take the reins. And there's more where he came from. Macs and iPhones will come and go, but Jobs will be with us for all eternity -- a thought that's probably comforting to some and terrifying to everyone else.
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